Glow in the Dark Condoms

I walked into the GYN room to greet my latest patient. She spoke no English but was able to get across the idea that something wasn't right "down there". I pantomimed a Gyn exam and she seemed to understand. The boy with her stood in the corner looking at his shoes. Every now and then the gal would say something to him in Spanish but he never spoke. The Doctor came in, legs put in the stirrups and the next thing I see being removed with ring forceps in a bright green with red, yellow and orange designs glow-in-the-dark condom. Apparently "one size fits all" was not the case here. Because it was not "snug" enough, the condom got left behind. My patient was smiling and happily discharged. Her "guy" never looked up from his shoes.

I left the room and went to my heart patient who had been having runs of tachycardia. Her Doctor was in the hall looking flustered. He turned to me and said "Just once I want a normal patient. She's got cocaine in her urine but keeps denying she has used any drugs. Even when I show her the urine results she says 'It must be a mistake. They must have used someone else's pee'. I just once want a patient who doesn't try to BS me". I looked at him inquisitively and asked "Are you flustered because you didn't think an addict should lie?" He apologized and said he was just frustrated today. I told him "Well you could always tag along with Dr ____. He just pulled a glow-in-the-dark condom out of a gal". He burst out laughing and said "Thanks. I needed that. You always seem to give perspective." I'll take that as a compliment.

Dysfunction Junction

Today I had to explain to a worker from Jamaica what "Dysfunctional Vaginal Syndrome" was. Actually she just keeps bleeding. I was cracking up, what will they come up with next? I finally said to her "Well, you've heard of dysfunctional families? You have a dysfunctional vagina. She LOST it.

I couldn't get her to stop laughing long enough to sign out. She stopped by the desk, still laughing and said "I can't wait to tell them at home about Dysfunctional American vagina's"!
The charge nurse overheard this, stopped what she was doing and just stared. As she left us this giggling patient gave me a big hug and said "I never forget you" As she walked away I said to the charge nurse "You had to be there" Of course what I didn't share was that I told her in America we tell our girls that a vagina is called a musn't-touch-it

CIRCUS LADY

I walked in the room to assess an 81yr old woman who resented with a possible hip fracture. She was in a lot of pain. As I started her IV to give her meds her 80yr old friend piped u. "This lady. This lady is an amazing woman. Just ask her. Ask her about riding the elephants." So I did, "You rode elephants? Where? In the circus?" She nodded her head. I said "I just finished reading the book Water for Elephants. Was the Circus really like that? Were most of the Carnies fugitives of some sort? She said "Yes, I lived that book. That was my life." Her friend jumped in again. "She is a strong lady. She's a survivor, she is! This little thing ran to the circus to hide from a husband who beat her within an inch of her life". I looked at my patient and said "True?" She responded "You do what you have to do. There were n0 Safe Houses back then." I drew up her Dilaudid as her friend continued. "She ended up finding comfort in the arms of the Mayor. Her husband found out and beat her worse than ever and put in the hospital. The Mayor bought her a car, delivered $500 to her and said "Take your 5 kids and run. He'll kill you the next time" So she did. She went all the way to Florida and joined the circus with her 5 children. He looked for her but never found her." I asked my patient "True?". She nodded her head and said "You do what you have to do." Well what ever happened to your relationship with the Mayor? I asked. Her reply "He kept in touch with letters and let me know if my husband was getting any closer to finding me, but I couldn't write him back. He sent me money for the kids now and then." She continued with her story while the pain medicine did it's magic. "I really was a looker so I got to ride the elephants for a long time. When I passed that point I asked them if I could cook for the Carnies so I could stay. They said yes. That man (name withheld, think of a well known Circus) was a crook and a pickpocket. He even picked the pockets of his own Carnies. I didn't like him. He had an island out in the everglades of Florida where all his New York mafia friends would come play poker and drink. I had to cook for them and I hated it. But all I had to do was cook. The younger gals...well, he would send them out there on one of those boats with the big fan and tell them to keep his friends happy". She looked up and said "You do what you have to do." I asked did you ever fall in love there? "Nooooo" she said. "The circus is no place to find a man" (smarter than a lot of us) It was hard to take breaks from her story and go take care of my other patients. How entertaining are UTI's, COPD and A-Fib after this? As the story ended she finally did leave the Circus once her children were grown. Met a good man, married and moved north to years of kindness. The last question I asked was how her kids were after this adventure. Her friend piped in "They don't even talk to her, not one of them. Their all mad because she made them grow up in a Circus" True? I asked. She looked up at me with tears and shame in her eyes and said "It wasn't only the pretty women who they forced sex with". You never know the story behind these eyes until they share it. The ER at times delivers life in it's most raw form.