A LOAF OF BREAD AND A COKE.

I had a flashback of nursing school clinicals... Flashbacks like this can be scary, and I am sooo glad that it is over. I did have some memorable moments though. Like a summer of critical care and psych in 10 weeks. I think they were actually trying to kill us, no joke. At one point we endured clinical every day for 2 weeks.

On our Critical Care rotation 8 nursing students were assigned to various areas of the hospital and our instructor floated around all day checking on us. There was this gal in my class who was sort of an "outsider". She was very strange and acted uncomfortable around everyone. I felt bad for her the whole time but a lot of her problems were self inflicted.

I started my ER rotation, scared to death. I don't know if I was more nervous about the clinicals or that this was the ER I had quit working at by calling in the last two days with explosive diarrhea. Hey, no one is going to force you to show up for work when you tell them you have explosive diarrhea! Half of my fear came from knowing that I could be asked to perform a random task at any moment, the other half of my fear was that the manager I had quit on was going to recognize me. I spent the day ducking behind corners, avoiding eye contact and praying nothing bad would happen.

Most of the fear was really about the dreaded IV STICK (which I sucked at). But the Mother who raised me was an ER nurse. And the first thing she did when she found out I was going to face this challenge was let me practice on her. You know your mom loves you when she lets you start your first IV on her. She was lucky I had worked out all my childhood aggression years prior. My first attempts failed and my mom returned to work the next day with a hematoma and a funny story.

The clinical instructors were always watching over our shoulders. Checking us off on our skills list and passing out "ED's" which stood for " experiencing difficulty" when we made mistakes. That day in the ER I was relieved that my teacher was floating because chances were she would not be around to critique me starting IV's, hanging fluids, and dropping NG tubes. But, as my luck has it, just as I was about to start an IV she came walking around the corner.

She followed me into my patient's room, explaining that she was going to watch and I was a student and blah blah blah. I was sure my patient was freaking out hearing about my inexperience. I prayed to God that he would miraculously anoint my hands and this poor woman would live through this with as little trauma as possible. IT WORKED! Somehow I did it , I don't know how, but it worked! I think I was as shocked as my teacher to see it! Glad that it was over, I went on with my day.

I had it easy compared to my strange classmate. This gal ran with some bad luck!
I watched her preceptor ask her if she wants to start an IV and walk with her into a room. A short while later I watched the student walk out into the middle of the ER nurses station, look at me, get woozy and pass out. BAM down she goes right there in the middle of the floor. I couldn't help but laugh to myself. I felt so bad for her, everyone standing around staring. It must have been the worst feeling.

The next week I was sitting at the nurses station and heard a woman screaming "Shit! ahhhh, Damn it!" I ran down the hall and found the strange gals preceptor on the floor holding her Achilles Tendon and she was behind her with a patient in a wheelchair. Those poor preceptors had no idea what they were getting into. I'm sure this preceptor thought all was safe. Then she was assigned the student from hell who wheeled a pt. around a corner and took her out from behind. Oh it was bad!.

She just had no common sense. Another day we found her sitting in the middle of the hallway on a bedside commode drinking coffee. She drank so much coffee she would shake all morning. It was not unusual for her to carry around a 64 oz giant mug. She once told me it held a whole pot of coffee. She smoked like a chimney too. Her graduation cap must have been in her car all semester because at graduation it was yellow, seriously. Her whole outfit was white and she had this yellow hat. She was crazy!. She would never relax and she was always, disappearing and doing bizarre things. Like turning the heat up to 90 degrees in our little conference room so our teacher would become so uncomfortable she'd let us go early. Or the day she just left clinical.
I guess she decided she was done, left and went home. It goes on. There was the day we all sat down to eat lunch and she had bought an entire loaf of bread from the cafeteria . That was what she was eating, a coke and a loaf of bread. It made for an interesting 2 years. - THE ROOKIE

ALLERGIC TO INCARCERATION

The uniformed and armed guards walked on either side of the patient. The patient, a felon, was handcuffed and ankle shackled. He had long white hair past his shoulders and a dramatically weathered face, wrinkled and mapped by the sun. The paperwork said chief complaint: Body rash, no improvement despite 4 days of Benadryl and Prednisone.

The ER physician was a sharp young guy not soured by burnout or tainted by the older Docs cynicism (yet). Refreshing actually. He came with me into the room, the guards removed a handcuff and the patient peeled off his shirt.

Now any ER nurse will tell you, even the ones with 12 years of Catholic school... you "gots to admire the prison body". You know the one. Nothing else to do for 12yrs but lift weights and do
sit-ups. The Doc and I met eyes. It's a special ER glance. No facial expression. It means "get a load of this". Used in a multitude of situations involving patient assessments.

The Doc asked the typical questions including "Has this ever happened before"? Sometimes the answers catch you off guard, sometimes in a funny way. The prisoner answered "Yep it happened two other times but they were at different penitentiaries. Obviously I didn't have that filter on....the one my father told me should be between my brain and my mouth. Because
I burst out laughing and said "Ha...your allergic to incarceration"! If looks could kill...maybe I should say that differently. The prisoner shot a glare at me, the Doc looked at his shoes.

Continuing with the assessment the Doc asks "and how long have you been this facility"? The prisoner answers "16 years and a lot more to go". I guess the Doc didn't have his filter on either because it rolls right off his tongue "Jeez, what did you do"? The prisoner gave us a serious "you've got to be kidding" look and answered "I guess enough".

Now the game was on. I was given the assignment..find out what he did. I tried to be slick and pass it on to the summer ER tech. He said "No way! I'm not getting killed, I have to finish college". Come on. I pushed. Practice your H&P skills. It may help you some day. He was quick to point out "Being dead is not going to help me some day".

While starting the IV a registration clerk came in to verify information. He gave her his birth date. I was stunned. As old and beaten as he looked, I was 3 yrs older. Again, no filter. I said "Wow, your younger than me! Catching myself I scrambled with "but I mean that in a good way. You've been outside a lot" It didn't fly. The guards were now howling and the prisoner was just shaking his head but he had a little smirk on his face.

The IV meds brought him relief. He was re-shackled and escorted out. But before he left he stopped, turned around and said "You have a nice day mam and thank you kindly. Please thank the physician for me". We never did get the answer.

VIAGRA MAN

Once both children were off to college I added "Cruise Nursing" to my resume. I signed on as a part-time cruise nurse and agreed to sail 3-4 times/year. My husband Rick was familiar with cruising and steered me towards a higher-end line that catered to the senior crowd. After all, this groups chief complaints were more than familiar to me. "CHF, Kidney Stones, Skin Avulsions, Falls, Chest Pain and let us not forget the Prostate "I can't get my stream going". I did not want one of those "Kmart of the Caribbean" cruise lines dealing with drunks who dove in the shallow end by mistake. No climbing walls on the high seas for me.

I sailed off to the Baltic, Europe, Alaska, Caribbean and more. On my days off I wandered Spain, Norway, Russia and Portugal. I toured ruins in Rome, museums in France, history in the Panama Canal. I was awed by glaciers in Alaska and found my Grandmother's green eyes in Copenhagen. While walking in the Palace's Amber Room in
St Petersburg Russia I found myself thinking "It's nursing that made today possible" I may not be able to afford to be a paying passenger, but as a nurse I can always barter my passage. There are so many cruise stories to tell. One of my most memorable was a 3 week cruise through the Panama Canal.

Meet "Viagra Man" as the medical staff lovingly nick named him. This gentleman was 85 yrs old and took the 3 week cruise with his 83yr old fiance. The ship stopped for a day in Nicaragua. That evening after pulling out of port the 85yr old was wheeled into the infirmary. I was on duty. His German wife-to-be complained that he was "Veak and vouldn't stand up". Well, that happens with a blood pressure of 76/32. He was a tiny man with no history of CHF so we pumped him full of fluids. Rick (frequently in the infirmary helping) wheeled him back to his cabin for us and we checked on him for the next few hours. All seemed well. Probably just another little old guy over doing it.

So we thought... until the next morning when a cabin boy wheeled him back to the infirmary. B/P still unstable. He was still "veak" and dizzy. Another liter of fluids and more questions. As I sat with him he turned and looked up at me with desperation in his eyes. "Tell her no more. Tell her I can't do this." The story unfolds. Turns out that a few months ago his fiance talked him into using Viagra. He developed chest pains and earned himself a trip to the ER. "My Doctor told me never again. But she won't give up".

What??? While in Nicaragua they visited a local street market where medicinal herbs were sold along with fruits and vegetables. His fiance asked about "performance enhancing herbs" and was sold a bag of something. Ingesting this herb had resulted in his first visit to the infirmary. As usual, and as every ER nurse knows "they never tell you the whole story".

I gave Viagra Man 1000cc of NS and for his fiance, some much needed education. I explained to her, at his age when all the blood went to the "pleasure zone" there was not enough left to keep him standing. If his Doctor said to lay off it...it's because it's not safe and he could die. Rule #1 in ER patient education "blunt works".

What I wanted to say was... "Are you trying to kill the poor guy. For God's sake woman buy a battery operated device and leave him alone!" My mind wandered to the young gold diggers who marry the old farts for their money. This would be a good detective novel. Viagra Man visited us again for another liter of fluids that evening. It took 5 liters of fluids over 3 days to get him functioning. I can only imagine the bill for Infirmary Services.

When visiting Nicaragua don't buy Nicaraguan Viagra!!!